The Virgin Suicides
by Love's to blame
Summary: On the morning that the last Cullen girl took her life, my heart grew cold and I became a shell of the man I once was...Death is a mystery that Jasper plans to solve.
1. Chapter 1

On the morning that the last Cullen girl took her life, my heart grew cold and I became a shell of the man I once was. Who would have thought that Alice, the mischievous little imp with a constant mega-watt smile, dreamed of death?

Bella, the youngest had gone first. One night while everyone was asleep, she cut into her beautiful pale wrist, slicing her skin open with a razor blade. When they found her the next morning, soaking in her pink bath, it was too late. She was already gone. From down the block, I awoke to Esme Cullen's screams as she wept for her child in the early dawn hours. Three hours later my heart ached for Edward, as I watched the tears stream down his cheeks as he clutched the phone in his hand, listening to the voicemail Bella left behind.

Second was Victoria, who departed this world with her love. James couldn't live without her, so when she whispered her plans to him one night, he instantly agreed. That was the one that shocked me to my core; she not only took her life but my brother's as well. Two weeks later, I sat in my living room with my parents, listening to police tell the tale of how she shot herself first.

That was first shot that rang throughout the night, waking me from my slumber. A few seconds later my brother picked up the gun, and with shaky hands he put a bullet through his skull; that was when I entered a nightmare without even closing my eyes. I still remember how my breathing stopped when I heard the second shot, it was as though I knew my brother was gone.

The image of James soaking his blonde hair with his blood is all I see when I think of Victoria.

Third was the oldest, Rosalie. The most beautiful of them all. She was as vain as she was pretty. She refused to leave this world with her perfect body ruined by scars or a gunshot wound as the two before her did. She turned her father's car on and sealed the garage and her fate at the same moment. That was when I saw the strongest guy I've ever known fall to his knees.

I knew that it was only a matter of time before I had my turn. When they found the second two, I knew I had already lost the girl who stole my heart in the first grade. My time for heartbreak came when I found Alice lying lifelessly in bed. Thirty sleeping pills and a bottle of vodka decided her fate. Without one word, I ran out of that house of horrors.

There should be four broken souls sitting around my bedroom but there are only three. Together Edward, Emmett and I mourn for our girls. There may be no one here for Victoria but her pictures lie in a pile next to the spot where he always sat.

The Cullens changed the small town of Forks forever. It wasn't the death of their daughter that did it, but their arrival eleven years ago. Dr. Cullen was young and handsome, the secret desire of woman everywhere. On more than a few occasions I've heard my mother gossiping about how lucky his wife was. I wonder if she still thinks that same now.

Had it not been for Alice, Esme Cullen could have been the woman who entered my dreams at night. She was the type of woman young boys crushed on, not because she was pretty but because of how kind she was. Don't get me wrong, she was a MILF, but it was the way she would bake cookies for all the kids in the neighborhood and not just her own that made me love her. She was the perfect mother and it wasn't just for show. When I got older and would sneak into Alice's room, and from the closet or under the bed, I would see Esme kiss her daughter goodnight.

That's what makes the story much more tragic. How could four seemingly perfect girls with perfect parents do something so horrifying? No one may ever know. They're gone so they can't give us the answer. And that's where the pictures come in. it all started with a thought- "What if photographs that we took of our girls over time revealed something that we didn't see?"

And so we set to work separating the photos that Mrs. Cullen thought that we should have. "Something to help you remember my girls," she said. "So that you won't forget that they actually existed and weren't just a figment of your imagination." I laughed in her face at that one, there was no way in hell I could ever forget her daughters. Especially not the two who took away the most important things in my world.

And now spread throughout the room are photos of the four girls who are no more. Bella, Alice, Victoria and Rosalie, all beautiful in their own way.

Bella was the plain Jane of the sisters. There was nothing about her that stood out. She was the shy girl that hid in the corner of the room, a book always in hand. With long brown hair and huge brown eyes, she was usually overlooked when compared to her sisters. But she had the kind of subtle beauty that Edward was drawn to. It was obvious to everyone that she doubted his love for her. I would have doubted that love, too, had I not heard him rant about the way he felt when he was around her. His eyes were usually glossy as he thought of it. To say the least, Edward was blessed in the looks department. His emerald green eyes and odd colored bronze hair made girls swoon whenever he walked past, and I just wanted to punch him in the face. Not because I was jealous of the attention, but because I was afraid that one day Alice would see him the way the other girls did.

Alice was the one who was so full of life. Sometimes I would expect her to break out in song and dance but she never did. Her beauty captivated me from the moment I saw her twirl around in circles, her long dark hair fanning out, as she pretended to be a princess one day during recess. I ran to her and asked to be her prince. I thought she would instantly accept my proposal, so I was caught by surprise when she pushed me away and said she could rule the kingdom on her own.

From that moment on, I was under her spell. Whenever I looked into those deep blue eyes, the contents of my heart spilled out. I told her everything; there were no secrets that I kept from her. She let me enter her world, but I didn't know as much as I thought I did. The last time I saw her, she was smiling for the first time since Bella died. I thought she was slowly becoming her old self again. I should have looked into it deeper, because now I wonder if she was happy because she was going to join her sister.

Victoria was the wild child. The one who, had she lived, would have crashed Dr. Cullen's car after she'd stolen it in a desperate attempt to run away from this small town. I always believed that she was secretly a dreamer. She had to be, the way my brother talked about her with such wonder. James was obsessed with her. He wrote her love poems and would sneak out to the Cullens' house more times than the rest of us. Maybe that was why he was given his fate, because he was so captivated by the red headed siren whose song called out to him. Often times my brother would confide to me that her eyes spoke to him; that if you looked deep into the green you would see the fear that she hid from everyone but him.

While Alice used to dream of a world where she reigned as a princess, her sister, Rosalie, was the one who should have been one. I used to think that she was the next Grace Kelly, and that one day the prince of some faraway nation would sweep her off her feet and take her to live somewhere else. That way my girl would be the most beautiful of the sisters. Rosalie is the reason that I even met my best friend Emmett. We looked so much alike he thought she was my sister and approached me one day in hopes that I could tell him how to impress her. By that time, I had been invited to a few birthday parties at the Cullen household and knew enough about Rosalie that I could help him. A few days later we learned that he didn't even need any advice. The moment she laid her blue eyes on him, and saw his huge smile, she was in love. After that, Alice would complain to me about how Rosalie wouldn't shut up about how cute Emmett's dimples were.

Four unique girls, different in both appearances and personalities. They weren't born to the Cullens but adopted, all at different ages. Maybe it was their pasts that made them the way they were. We never knew how they came to be placed in foster care, but over the years, they would occasionally stare into space as though they were thinking of their former lives. We may have heard some tidbits of what life before the Cullens was like but not enough to form a full story. The only details we have are vague. All four were adopted around the same time. Bella was two, Alice only three, Victoria and Rosalie were the same age at four. Although not much is known, I don't believe that one can conclude that their pasts drove them to suicide for I doubt that they came from similar backgrounds.

The next theory would be that something in the Cullen household led them to it, but that, too, is impossible and extremely doubtful. Secrets may lie behind closed doors, but I've been on the other side more than enough times to know that the Cullens truly were the perfect family.

Finally, I stop torturing myself with ridiculous possibilities long enough to stare down at the picture I'm holding onto for dear life. The big blue eyes of my first love stare up at me and a tear falls down my cheek._"Why did you leave me?"_ I silently ask the picture of the girl I once loved, as I inhale a shaky breath. She doesn't answer; she continues to stare up at me, her smile mocking me. I ball my hand into a fist, effectively crumbling the picture. _"Who's smiling now?"_ I wonder.

Those were the wrong things to say because, of course, they make me think of the Journey song "Who's Crying Now," and that reminds me of the time I once danced with Alice to that song at a middle school dance.

I lean back and cover my face with my hands as I deeply inhale the warm air, breathing in the sweet scent of Alice's perfume on my palms. Earlier that day I sprayed Chanel no. 5 on my pillow so I could smell my girl while I was sleeping, and some must have gotten on my hands. It's almost as though her memory stalks me, refusing to let me pretend she never existed.

Something light lands in my lap and slowly I look down. There lies a picture of James with his arm wrapped around the evil sister, Victoria. I scowl and throw it across the room. "Who put that there?" I ask the other two guys in the room.

Edward didn't even look up, he just continued to stare down at the picture of his beloved. I thought that he would have been the least depressing out of us since his girl has been dead longer, but instead he's the worst off. Well, since he isn't dead, he's the worst off after James.

Emmett looks at me apologetically. "Sorry," he mumbles. "It got mixed in with my pile and I was putting it in-" his voice breaks off not wanting to say my brother's name. "I was trying to put it in the other pile." he continues. He goes back to stare down at pictures of his would-be fiancée, unaware that anger boils from a deep, dark place inside of me.

"His name is James," I yell. Both of my friends turn to me.

"We know that," Emmett says.

"Then say his name," I tell him. "He existed, he was real, he was my brother. Say his name." I point to the fourth corner, the empty corner where a lonely pile sits. "It's not the other pile, it's James' pile."

Finally Edward speaks for the first time since he entered my room. "Jasper, calm down," he whispers.

"No!" I shout. "I won't calm down. I can't." I put a hand in my hair and tug on the blonde strands, hurting myself physically to distract myself from the emotionally pain that will most likely be the death of me. "How can I calm down when she," with my other hand I pick up a picture of Alice and hold it out to them, "killed herself without coming to me and telling me what was wrong?" I throw the picture down. "Why was James the lucky one? Why did Victoria come to him and tell him what she was going to do? The fucking lucky bastard got to die by her side."

The tears stream down my face and I stop pulling out my hair as I wipe them away. I'm ashamed of them, ashamed that I'm not numb to the pain, to the world.

"So you want to die too?" Edward whispers. I know he's not asking me if I want to die like Alice but he's asking if I wish for death like he does.

I stare at him with my jaw clenched, my chin slightly quivering. "Is that even a question?"

"Good to know I'm not the only one." This is Emmett's half-assed attempt at a joke, to lighten the air but Edward and I both know that part of him is serious.

"What's next?" Edward asks.

I shrug. "I don't know. There are only two options that I can think of; one, we can just give up and die, or two, we can continue to put the pieces of their lives together and see if that helps us move on."

"Teenage suicide, don't do it," Emmett whispers.

Edward smiles. "Option two it is"

I nod. "Just..." I try to think of how to express what I'm feeling. "Just say his name; say all of their names. Because if we pretend as though they didn't exist, then our love for them doesn't exist. And without that, what are we?"


	2. Chapter 2

We aren't sure about the sequence of events. It's almost as though they all happened at once, many memories blurred together over time, ages unsure. We separate them into the earlier days when we just met and were only friends and the later years when we began dating.

It took many heated discussions for us to agree on the time when the girls' problems first began. We never really knew the answer but we have reason to believe they began at the only party the girls would ever throw in their short lives.

…

The day the girls gave out invitations, we watched on as our male classmates crossed their fingers, hoping and praying that they were on the list. We found it comical that a most likely boring basement party was considered to be the party of the year.

Had it not been for the few pictures we took before the party, I would have never remembered what the other girls wore. The only pure memory that I could recollect was that Alice looked beautiful in a pale pink dress, which, she made sure to inform me, was designed by Versace. I had no idea who he was at the time, nor did I know how much inspiration he gave her, so I just smiled and nodded like I knew exactly what she was talking about. The memory of how free and wild my girl had been that night brings a small smile to my face and tears in my eyes.

The other girls wore a variety of different dresses, all different colors and designs. The shy beauty was in yellow, the redhead in jade while the other was a knockout in red. The picture that truly captured the essence of the night is one of the girls, standing side by side in their family's living room with huge smiles on their beautiful faces. This is last time anyone ever photographed any of the girls' real smiles. Any smile after may look genuine but the knowing eye can easily tell that its forced.

All guests showed up and in all there were twenty people in attendance- the four Cullen sisters, us four boys and whatever few classmates that were close enough to be considered friends. We sat in couples, on mixed-matched chairs and ratty couches. As we whispered to each other, as soft music played from an old stereo.

If I close my eyes and play some of the same songs we played from that night,I could pretend as though I was reliving those glorious moments again. I could pretend that everything was perfect, that Alice was beside me and my only worry was if I could kiss her without anyone seeing. But I'm afraid to trick myself into believing that i can go back to those moments, because I know that my hand will reach out expecting to touch her soft pale skin and when I'd discover that she isn't there, I will not only be crushed but I will also break even more.

For what it was, the party was great, but maybe that's because I'm biased. All I did was talk to Alice the whole night, but that was enough to give me the best time of my young life. I don't know how it was for the other guests, all of them, boys and girls alike, starved for the attention of the sisters, but it belonged to us and only us. That was until a surprise visitor stumbled upon the party.

Their uncle Aro had a sleazy look about him. His long, dark hair was always slicked back and his dark eyes moved slowly throughout the room, as though he was looking for something the rest of us couldn't see. I never liked him, not from the moment I first met him when I was a boy of eight years old. Alice introduced me as her best friend and he stared down at me with an eyebrow raised and asked, "Oh, really" in a soft voice that sent chills up my spine. He then turned to the girl by my side and just stared at her until the air was thick with tension. Whenever I saw him, I felt as though I was still that kid who slowly stepped back towards the door.

The moment he entered the basement, his eyes landing on the girls and a small smile spreading on his face, the music suddenly stopped as though was a sign . Although he simply waved to his nieces and walked back out, there was something about him that ended the party prematurely. One by one the guests trickled out, all making up some lame excuse for why they had to leave so early. The sisters just nodded softly; they all knew why everyone had to go so soon.

As I kissed Alice goodbye, her tiny fists clutched my shirt like she didn't want me to go. And when I pulled away her blue eyes pleaded that I stay. I whispered that I would be in her room within the hour before walking out the door of the Cullen house.

All four of us told the girls that we would sneak into their rooms that night and we all lied to them. When we first uttered those words, I think we truly believed them, we actually thought that we would creep into their rooms in the middle of the night, as we did almost every night. But there was something about eerie about the house that night, something that just made us never want to return after we left.

So after I waved goodbye one last time, I began to conjure up some lie for why I didn't show as I walked home with James. My brother put his arm around my shoulder and told me what everyone was thinking but wouldn't say out loud.

"That guy is a creep," he said to me. "I feel for the girls."

I felt for the girls too. In that moment there was no love, just sorrow, sympathy and pity. Three emotions they didn't want, that they never wanted.

I never expected to see Alice that night so I was surprised to hear the light tap of a pebble being thrown against my window as I lay in bed, so close to dreaming I could taste the sleep on the tip of my tongue.

I slowly got out of bed and walked over to the window. Staring up at me was Alice. The image of the way she looked that night will forever be imprinted in my mind. Only two hours before she was so vivacious and full of life, but there she stood before me in her night gown with soulless eyes and a blank look on her face. I didn't know where the other girls were and it wasn't until a few weeks later that I discovered they also went to visit the rest of the guys that night. We never knew what made them come to us and I never asked. At that moment I didn't care; I was young and naïve, just a foolish little boy who saw a sad girl and was so blinded by his desire to make her happy, he didn't bother to wonder what was troubling her.

I held up two fingers to her, letting her know I would be down in two minutes, and then I reentered the world of my room, giving her time to put the mask on.

Five minutes later, my sneakers squeaked above the freshly dewed grass as I walked over to her. I noticed that the light that once shown so bright in Alice's eyes had dimmed considerably. It was as though a part of her soul was missing. But as I said before, I didn't even notice; it wasn't until I became the hardened young man that I am now that I realized everything for what it truly was. And it's a shame to say that it's too late, maybe, just maybe if I had been more perceptive of her, she would still be alive, and maybe I could have saved her before it was too late. But as they say, love is blind, therefore I was blind, so I just took her hand and led the way to the small park two blocks away.

Everything was different as I sat on top of the slide, under the moonlight, with Alice in my lap. I never felt the same way again; that was a once in a lifetime experience. I believe that was what real, pure love felt like, when you didn't hide your vulnerability from the other, and you gave them a part of your soul without expecting anything in return. That was the first time I told Alice I loved her, and she didn't say it back.

_I held my hand flat as I rested it on my raised knee. Alice lightly traced the lines of my hand with the tips of her fingers. My chin sat atop her raven hair as I breathed in her scent, memorizing it, wondering if I could bottle it. A part of me knew that she wouldn't be mine forever, so I had to get as much of her as I could, while I could._

_"Alice" I whispered, keeping my voice low so that my words couldn't travel far in the night air and reach to other undeserving ears; they were meant for her and only her._

_She stopped playing with my hand and laid hers on my knee as she turned to look at me; in her eyes an unfamiliar emotion flashed, but it was gone before I could question it. That was the first time that happened and it wouldn't be the last. She let her façade slip occasionally but before I could get through to the real her, it was back._

_I gently touched her cheek, teasing her with the contact. My hand barely touched her, as though i was lightly grazing the thin hairs of her skin. She moved her head to the side, and tilting it into my touch._

_I gave her a small, sad smile; this was my apology for my blatant attempt at standing her up. I leaned forward and lightly brushed my lips against hers. "I love you," I whispered and gave her a light peck. I pulled away expecting her to say, "I love you too, " or a simple, "me too." I wanted her to say something, but instead she said nothing, just nodded and looked around, avoiding my eyes._

_She faced forwarded and looked down at the light brown sand that was the playground's floor._

_"Remember when we were younger and we pretended that we were other people, who lived somewhere else?"_

_I nodded although she wasn't looking at me and couldn't see my answer._

_"Let's go back to those days." She stood up and ran down the slide, her long hair blowing in the wind behind her._

_I stayed where I was and watched on as she spun around in the middle of the park, whispering so softly to herself that I couldn't hear her what she was saying, I just knew that she was uttering something._

_She stopped and looked towards me, her head cocked to one side. "Come on, " she said and waved toward herself._

_I put my hands on either side of me and pushed myself down the slide. As soon as me feet hit the ground I ran to her. I picked her up and listened to her squeal, and the peals of laughter that followed it. I put her down and for the next three hours we lived in the magic of the night._

_Just like our childhood days of play, our time together ended all too soon. I walked her home and kissed her goodnight. As she walked back into that dark house, those three special words were on the tip of my tongue and I longed to shout them to her retreating figure. But I didn't, I didn't have to. There was just something about that night, that was like love and heartbreak mixed, creating one huge emotion that was like nothing I'd ever felt before._

_She closed the door without even looking at me, and I blew her disappeared form a kiss. Then I stumbled home, drunk on love, and went straight to my bed, dreaming of a world where I was a kid again._

That night stood out so clearly in my mind that it was the first thing I thought of when Bella died. Maybe that moment meant something profound. Maybe it meant that although we loved those girls wholeheartedly, they just couldn't love us. At least not as much as we loved them.

We will never know…everything is maybe, because they aren't here to tell us what was real and what was just a figment of our imaginations.


	3. Chapter 3

We were only boys, we didn't know what troubled the girls and I don't think that we really cared. Because they were beautiful and we had them. And that was all that mattered. We did not know what life was like from their perspective. We could not see through their eyes, we couldn't read their minds. But we did find a portal into their world.

Two weeks after Carlisle and Esme Cullen became childless, they invited us into their house to say one last goodbye. It wasn't much, just five people sitting around the living room sharing their memories of the girls they loved. The good doctor mostly kept to himself, choosing to remain silent as he sat in his chair in the corner of the room.

There was just something about that room that drove me to the brink of insanity. The off white furniture angered me as it reminded of the many hours I spent sitting on the couch with Alice. I wanted to set the soft white carpet on fire as I thought of how her feet once walked upon it. I wished to throw the coffee table across the room as I imagined her sitting on it in front of me, blocking my view of the television.

At one point, as Esme told us some tale of her daughter's childhood wonder, I swore I could her Alice's laughter floating through the room. It was unbearably painful. So much so that tears began to well up in my eyes. I felt as though I was suffocating, unable to breathe through the cloud of memories. I knew that if I didn't leave the room soon I would lose my grasp on reality, forget where I was and have an emotional outburst.

"Excuse me?" I asked in a low voice interrupting Mrs. Cullen.

She turned to me and waited for me to continue.

"May I be excused for a moment?"

The look that she gave me was so full of pity, I knew my sorrow clearly showed on my face. "of course"

I nodded and slowly got up. As I walked past Carlisle to exit the room he held out his hand to stop me.

"You can go in her room if you like" he whispered to me. "It may make you feel worse but sometimes things have to go bad before they can get better"

Once more my reply came in the form of a nod. The first thing I did once I could breathe again was look at the front door. There was nothing stopping me from walking out of it and never returning.

But I didn't leave. Even though it was the last thing I wanted to do, I went up the stairs and headed for the white door of the room that I knew so well.

Everything was exactly the way it was the last time I entered the room. The only thing missing was the lifeless corpse in the still unmade bed. It was as though Alice was going to walk into the room and get back into bed at any given moment.

Never had I felt the feeling that I felt as I stood in her doorway, searching for a part of the lost girl that no one but me could see. I felt so close to her, but at the same time there was a distance. I couldn't stop my gaze from landing on the bed. Over and over again I would glance at it, turn away then look over at it once more. I kept repeating the action as though I was subconsciously telling myself to go over to it. I couldn't refuse myself, so I went over to the place where I last saw her and laid down on the bed.

I lay on my stomach, my head in her pillows as I breathed in her fading scent. I knew it wouldn't be long until the smell of her went away completely so I decided to be a glutton and breathe in as much of her as I could.

One hand clenched her sheets while the other slowly swung in the space between the bed and the wall. The tip of my hand hit a dull corner of a book and I moved to see what I had found. It was a small pink journal with her name written on the cover. I picked up the diary and before I even opened it I knew that once I read I would discover the secret workings of the mind of the girl I once thought I knew.


	4. Chapter 4

All I wanted to do was run out the door with the diary gripped in my sweaty palms and not utter a word to anyone until I had read every last word. But I stayed where I was. Because I had to read it in her room. Because then it would be like she was there with me.

Slowly I got up and walked to her closet. On the floor, behind her clothes is where I would sit, where she could surround me.

And so one I was where I finally wanted to be, I began to learn about her life, all their lives. Coming to hold the collective memories I didn't have the pleasure of experiencing.

There is an order that every story must follow or else no one will ever understand it. I thought I entered Alice's dark world of depression at the party but that was just when I first became aware of it even though I didn't notice it for what it truly was then. As the pages went on I began to feel the imprisonment of being a girl, the way it made your mind dreamy, so you ended up knowing what colors went together. I began to realize that the girls I once knew were really women in disguise, they understood love and even death. And our jobs, as boys, were merely to create the noise that seemed to fascinate them.

They knew everything about us, and we couldn't fathom them at all.

The first fifty pages were full of her hopes, desires and dreams that will never come true. What surprised me the most was that I had a starring role in her diary. Especially since it was dated to a time before we started dating. Before I even realized that she wasn't the childhood girl I had fall in love with but this young woman who was new and different but loved by me all the same.

I leaned my head back against the wall as I thought of the first time I saw Alice in a new light.

My passion for her started when I went into the wrong history class during fifth period. Every day, I would sneak out somewhere between fourth and fifth period to smoke the marijuana I took as regularly as Eric Yorkie, the diabetic kid, took his insulin.

On that particular day, I ran into the vice principal and in my haste to get away I ducked into the nearest class. The teacher was unaware of my presence so I took a seat in the back behind the most beautiful girl that ever lived. When she turned around to shake her head sadly at me. She was the still point of the turning world.

At that moment I really feel for her, and I knew I would never get over her. That's something I still believe today.

Alice may have been the first girl I loved, but she wasn't the only girl I've ever dated. But no of those other girls will ever compare to that, that was real. The realist thing I've ever felt in my short years on earth.

It was so easy with all the other girls, they all came on to me, so it was only natural that I had no idea how to take our relationship to the next level. If I had known that all I had to do was tell her how I felt instead of going through all the great measures that I went through, perhaps we would have had more time together. Or maybe then she wouldn't have known how much she meant to me.

Soon our story began to unfold right before my eyes as I read every word of what I once lived. And then a girl that I never even meet appeared and I wonder where she came from. Everything was the same, the handwriting, the voice I heard in my ears even the spacing. But the words had changed. No longer was there this infectiously happy girl but a sad, angry, misunderstood one.

"Death will be a sweet release" she wrote and I knew that was when she changed.

I quickly shut the book and jumped up. I ran out of the closet, out of the room and was almost out of the house when I decided to stop by the living room and say farewell to the people who unknowingly gave me the answers to most, if not all, of my questions.

I tucked the book in the waistband of my jeans as I turned the corner of the off-white room. "I sorry but I have to go" I whispered as I looked down on the floor, intentionally avoiding eye-contact, I knew that if I looked her parents in the eye, my whole resolve may crumble.

Mrs. Cullen said something back to me but I didn't hear her.

At the same moment that she opened her mouth, my eyes flickered up and I was now busy staring at Edward. As though he could read my mind he nodded and then I turned around and walked away without even waving goodbye.

Instead of going home, I walked across the street and sat down on the curb facing the Cullen house. I held my hands up to my face and pretended to take a picture, burning the mental image of the place into my mind.

"This was where she once lived" I whispered to myself.

My eyes studied every little detail of the housing, pausing on an upstairs window.

"And that's where she used to peak out from behind her curtains, watching me watch her"

"Who are you talking to?" Emmett asked making me aware of his presence.

"No one" I told him as I stood up and brushed myself off. "Where's Edward?"

"You know where" Emmett nodded towards the house.

Somehow I didn't see Edward leaning against the old oak tree that Bella used to lie under almost every day as she read some book that she just couldn't put down.

"Get Edward" I ordered. "I have something to show you" I took one last look at her window then without waiting to see if my friends were following behind me, I began to walk home.

Somewhere between the Cullen's street and my front door, my friends caught up to me. There was nothing but silence as we entered my room and sat down on any comfortable surface. was on my bed, Emmett was on my desk and Edward was sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall in a corner.

"So?" Edward questioned.

I pulled out the diary, turned it to a certain page and passed it to Emmett to give to him. "Read it out loud"

"He's back. I hate him, we all do. He knows this but that doesn't stop him from returning. We planned that party for hours and he just ruined it in mere seconds"

Edward stopped reading and looked up at me. "She's talking about the party"

"Where it all started" Emmett mumbled

I nodded, replying to them both. "Go on"

_There's just something about Uncle Aro that creeps me out. The way he looks at me, as though he knows something that I don't, sends chills down my spine. Just a few minutes ago I caught him cornering Bella whispering how she looked just like her mother. All I could think was wtf? We're all adopted, how the hell does he know what her mother looks like. Maybe he knows something that we don't._

Edward stopped reading once more. "It just stops and then she continues on another page"

I nod, I knew full well that she skipped a few lines. And when she began there were tear marks on the page and he hand writing was frantic. Something happened between entries that upset her. And it wasn't because I lied and told her I was coming when I knew I wasn't.

_Just a few seconds ago I knew exactly know I was and now I'm a stranger to myself. My mind can't even process this right now. My whole life had been a lie and now that the truth has come out I feel broken and confused. I don't know what's real anymore. Was I ever loved or was it all just Oscar-worthy acting? Do I even know what love is? Have I ever felt it? Am I capable of love? Am I even lovable?_

_I need him and he's not here. I know that if I go to him, he will just come to me out of pity. But right now I don't even care. Because right now I just need_

And in mid-sentence she just cuts off. So I will never know what she needed and I won't know if I ever provided her with it.

"Wow" Emmett whispered.

"Want to take a break?" Edward asked as he softly shut the book, answering for us.

Slowly, I laid my head back against my pillow and closed my eyes. Although I didn't sleep, I still dreamed. We all did. Together we dreamed of a world where they were still ours and we could hold them and just protect them from every bad thing.


	5. Chapter 5

_I lived in the small town of forks my entire life. I went to daycare, pre-school and kindergarten with almost everyone in my grade so the moment I saw her, I instantly knew that she wasn't one of us. She didn't blend in, becoming one of the many faces that I saw throughout my day._

_She was different. _

_Even at that young of an age I knew that she would be the one to change my life. And she did. She taught me something that no one else had a chance to. She taught me love._

_I can still remember the way I stopped breathing and forgot how to speak when my eyes landed on her. _

_It was recess and there was a mass of kids running around, playing all the childhood games. She stood in the middle of them all. The only light in the sea of darkness. Without even thinking I ran to her._

_"Hi" I said with a wave._

_She didn't even stop spinning. "Hi" she replied._

_"I'm Jasper"_

_"Alice" I expected her to say more but she didn't._

_"So what are you doing?" I asked._

_As though she realized that I wasn't going to go away anytime soon, she stopped and looked at me. "I'm pretending"_

_"Pretending to be what?"_

_She sighed and I swore I heard her scoff the word "boys" under her breath. _

_"If you must know, I'm pretending to be a princess" She was as sassy as a girl could be and it makes me smile to know that she got even sassier when she got older._

_"May I join you?" I didn't even know how to play whatever game she was playing but I was willing to learn. "I could be a prince"_

_"No thanks. I don't need any help ruling my kingdom" and just like that she was done talking to me. She began skipping towards the swings and I followed her._

_"Hey wait up" I called out._

_She stopped and put her hands on her hip as she turned around to face me. "What do you want?"_

_I shrugged. "I dunno" and I didn't know what I wanted at that moment, I just knew that I had to know her. Quickly I reached out and quickly tapped her. "Tag you're it" I yelled before running away._

Her laughter rung in my ears and I opened my eyes.

"Yo Ed" Emmett called out breaking the peaceful silence.

Edward quickly looked up. "What?"

Emmett made a short, small, circle with his finger, signaling for Edward to continue. "Next entry"

Edward nodded. He picked the book up from where he put it down net to him and opened it. He flipped a few pages, searching for the right one. He stared at it for a few seconds before looking up at me. "you read it" he said.

I held out my hand. "Give it to me"

Like a Frisbee, he threw the book to me.

It landed next to me and I looked over it, making sure that no damage had come to the diary. "Be careful" I snapped. I knew I shouldn't be so angry but this was my last tie to Alice and I didn't want it to be ruined in any way, shape or form.

"Sorry" Edward muttered.

I looked down at the pages and it was like I was hearing someone else talk as I began to read.

_I've never seen Bella like this. I expected her to be angry like the rest of us but she's just silent. She's numb. Last night, mom, or Esme, whatever or whoever she is now, tried to talk to her and she just covered her ears and begged for her to go away. I wanted to go to her, and I know the others wanted to as well but we just couldn't, we had our own problems to deal with. I want to yell, throw something, or do anything to express how angry, and bitter I feel. If Bella's actions reflect her secret feeling then I can only say that's she's empty. I know that she's confused like the rest of us but I'm certain that something darker lurks beyond the façade. _

_I guess I should probably say that big secret that we were just told. I need to tell someone so I can't so I'll just pretend that I am by writing it down. We're not just sisters because we were adopted by the same people. We have the same father and of all people it's out Uncle Aro. I find it ironic that we share genes with the same man that we despise. But there's more to it than that. Our whole lives is a lie, everything that we know isn't what it once was. And our lives are even more tragic. Because now we can rule out that our mothers were too poor or whatever to keep us. Now we know that they gave us away because they didn't want us. And our own father, a man who has the perfect bachelor life, doesn't want us either. So now we don't only know who we really are, it has been made clear that we were thrown away. And to make it worse, I can't help but be angry at the people who took us in. I can't help but wonder if they actually wanted us or if they pitied the poor little girls that no one wanted. I wish that I could remember my mother, so I could remember if she loved me. I hate feeling like this, unloved._

I shut the book and just stared down at it. That was something that I never knew was troubling her. I never even thought that she would think of her real parents and why they gave her up for adoption. The more I learned, the more I realized how horrible I was at being her boyfriend.

"Damn" Emmett muttered. "That was deep"

I nodded. "Did you ever even think that Aro could be their father?"

Edward shook his head. "Never in a million years would I have imagined that"

"But he is" Emmett said. "Or was. Damn. I wonder how he feels about losing his kids"

I ran a hand through me hair. "Who knows?"

"Who cares?" Edward asked.


End file.
